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out of control

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

WARNING: For those of you not theologically inclined, the following discussion may be a bit uncomfortable. I invite you to stay anyway. My faith is a big part of who I am. A part I haven't shared with you in great detail...until now.
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I talked with Cheri from our agency today. The dossier is definitely on it's way to Ukraine. I wish I had a tracking number so I could see where it is right now.
I know, I know...I have control issues.
Cheri also said the facilitator is busy with a couple who is in Kiev right now. It must be Brent & Karissa. I've been following their blog for a couple of weeks now and it's neat to read posts from someone who is there...experiencing it. The insight is amazing. How did we ever adopt before blogs? The feedback from other couples takes some of the edge off the unknown.
I need that.
To be honest, now that we're getting closer to actually having this dossier submitted, I'm starting to get a little shaky.
Not because I'm having second thoughts.
It's more a fear of the unknown.
Even though we've been through all of this before, the reality is - it's not Russia.
It's Ukraine.
It's new...full of uncertainty.
I'm starting to feel a lot of the same trepedation I experienced eight years ago, right before we traveled to get Q-ball. All the 'what ifs' are already crowding in.

  • What if we aren't able to come up all the funding?
  • What if we there aren't any little girls available at our SDA appointment?
  • What if she doesn't like us?
  • What if she has a diagnosis we aren't prepared for?
  • What if the kids don't accept her?
  • What if we can't come up with a name?! :)
They're all things I don't need to worry about.
Things I don't have to worry about.
Because God is in control.
Not me.
Therein lies the truth.
The source of my anxiety can be found in the fact that I'm not in control.
I really DO have control issues.
Here I sit, clicking from blog to blog, offering advice to other traveling parents. Giving them tips on encouraging bonding, milestones to look for, questions to ask caregivers and making sure they pack a big bottle of Woolite...all the while offering words of encouragement about relying on Christ instead of our own strength.
And I don't even follow my own advice!
The truth is I need to lose control.
I need to hand it all over.
I need to realize I'm in much better hands when I let God get in the driver's seat.
The great thing about my Abba Father is he won't force his way behind the wheel. Instead, he will sit back patiently waiting for me to hand him the keys.
Something I have to remind myself to do...daily.
It's what my mom calls the 'old flesh' pattern - the old way of doing things.
I haven't introduced you to my mom yet, have I?
You'd like her.
She's an incredibly smart, insightful, patient woman.
She's a friend of God.
A Christian counselor.
An amazing resource of spiritual advice.
And sometimes I think she can read my mind! :)
She's the one I turn to for Biblical insight. And right now I don't even have to call her to hear her advice.
'Hand it over, Tami.
'Pray about it.'
'Let God be God.'
'Let Him be in control.'
Great lessons...every one.
But tough ones for me to learn.
Thirty plus years after accepting Christ, I'm no closer than I was at the age of six to completely handing over the keys.
But I'm willing to work on it.

10 salty messages:

Missy June 28, 2007 at 10:04 AM  

You are talking about me too Tami! My mom used to shake her head at those bumper stickers. "God is my co-pilot" She said..."They would do better if they let Him be their pilot!" Easier said than done, huh?

Rachael June 28, 2007 at 10:06 AM  

The beauty of free choice is that God gives us the right to make our own decisions, but unfortunately for that reason, much of what happens in this world is not necessarily His will. But when we choose to let Him help us, He will, and, I agree, He is a much better driver than we are, but it's really hard to hand over the keys. I struggle with that too, as I am definately a control freak.

Troy and Rachel June 28, 2007 at 10:53 AM  

Tami, Thanks for the comment on our blog because now I have found your blog!! I'll be following along on your journey!! Wow - 3 from Russia already and one on the way from Ukraine?!?! Troy and I have some catching up to do!! We have already decided if this goes well (which I am sure it will) we are going to go back for a little girl as soon as we can!!

Looking forward to reading along!! Rachel

kate June 28, 2007 at 11:20 AM  

Every time I hear my little Israeli student turn to her daddy and call him Abba, I'm reminded of what a loving heavenly Father we have. On Amy Grant's most recent hymn cd, she sings "Lay down your burdens" in a way that really speaks to my heart.

DoveFamily June 28, 2007 at 12:39 PM  

Thanks for sharing, Tami. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with these things! It's also great that we have brothers and sisters in Christ to encourage us in our walk. You did just that for me - thank you!!

I continually remind myself that God will take care of things... but first I must turn everything over to Him! I should know better than to think I can do it all on my own, but sometimes I'm just stubborn. But He has His ways of shaking the clouds away and reminding me His way is so much better than mine.

Continuing to pray for you and your dossier!
Jennifer

Leslie June 28, 2007 at 3:22 PM  

Its called sanctification, and it can be a firey process sometimes. I'm in the same boat, sister. The good news is we serve a patient and longsuffering God who loves us unconditionally. He has chosen us for this and He will transform our minds and mold us into the image of His perfect Son.

Now be sure to remind me of all that when I go through this in the very near future!

Suzanne June 29, 2007 at 3:07 AM  

I think all these questions and concerns are really healthy, for what that's worth.

If you would like to join in the June Adoption Blogpost Round-up (and I am hoping that you do), our theme this month is Attachment. For more information and to find Mr. Linky, please visit the Adoption BlogPost Round-up post at :: Adventures In Daily Living :: .

Best,

Suzanne

Gail,  June 29, 2007 at 10:49 AM  

Tami,
I think their are many, many of us just like that. I always want to drive when going anywhere and I hate flying. I would like to be the pilot. Inside you do know the truth and God will see you through. Thanks for being an inspiration to me.
Gail

Christina June 29, 2007 at 12:30 PM  

That control thing was definitely one of my biggest struggles during our adoption...it's a valuable lesson but one I seem to need to relearn with every new challenge!

I'm glad you're stepping out and sharing your faith - it's a great encouragement for me to read about other Christians who struggle with the same things I do.

Calico Sky July 1, 2007 at 12:22 PM  

Tami, that is a BRILLIANT post...so so so true, thank you for the reminder that Christ holds the keys!!!

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