Wednesday, June 27, 2007
WARNING: For those of you not theologically inclined, the following discussion may be a bit uncomfortable. I invite you to stay anyway. My faith is a big part of who I am. A part I haven't shared with you in great detail...until now.
I talked with Cheri from our agency today. The dossier is definitely on it's way to Ukraine. I wish I had a tracking number so I could see where it is right now.
I know, I know...I have control issues.
Cheri also said the facilitator is busy with a couple who is in Kiev right now. It must be Brent & Karissa. I've been following their blog for a couple of weeks now and it's neat to read posts from someone who is there...experiencing it. The insight is amazing. How did we ever adopt before blogs? The feedback from other couples takes some of the edge off the unknown.
I need that.
To be honest, now that we're getting closer to actually having this dossier submitted, I'm starting to get a little shaky.
Not because I'm having second thoughts.
It's more a fear of the unknown.
Even though we've been through all of this before, the reality is - it's not Russia.
It's new...full of uncertainty.
I'm starting to feel a lot of the same trepedation I experienced eight years ago, right before we traveled to get Q-ball. All the 'what ifs' are already crowding in.
- What if we aren't able to come up all the funding?
- What if we there aren't any little girls available at our SDA appointment?
- What if she doesn't like us?
- What if she has a diagnosis we aren't prepared for?
- What if the kids don't accept her?
- What if we can't come up with a name?! :)
Things I don't have to worry about.
Because God is in control.
Therein lies the truth.
The source of my anxiety can be found in the fact that I'm not in control.
I really DO have control issues.
Here I sit, clicking from blog to blog, offering advice to other traveling parents. Giving them tips on encouraging bonding, milestones to look for, questions to ask caregivers and making sure they pack a big bottle of Woolite...all the while offering words of encouragement about relying on Christ instead of our own strength.
And I don't even follow my own advice!
The truth is I need to lose control.
I need to hand it all over.
I need to realize I'm in much better hands when I let God get in the driver's seat.
The great thing about my Abba Father is he won't force his way behind the wheel. Instead, he will sit back patiently waiting for me to hand him the keys.
Something I have to remind myself to do...daily.
It's what my mom calls the 'old flesh' pattern - the old way of doing things.
I haven't introduced you to my mom yet, have I?
You'd like her.
She's an incredibly smart, insightful, patient woman.
She's a friend of God.
A Christian counselor.
An amazing resource of spiritual advice.
And sometimes I think she can read my mind! :)
She's the one I turn to for Biblical insight. And right now I don't even have to call her to hear her advice.
'Hand it over, Tami.
'Pray about it.'
'Let God be God.'
'Let Him be in control.'
Great lessons...every one.
But tough ones for me to learn.
Thirty plus years after accepting Christ, I'm no closer than I was at the age of six to completely handing over the keys.
But I'm willing to work on it.