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it all comes down to this

Monday, December 17, 2007

We woke up this morning excited.
Over the weekend, we decided to visit a little boy in a region eight hours away by train.
We had talked with our pediatrician on Friday and after hours of research we decided we could handle the little guy's epilepsy diagnosis.
But God must have other plans.
Thirty minutes after we called our facilitator with the news, he called back to say a French couple who visited the boy a few weeks ago, rethought their rejection of him and have come back to adopt him.
I'm happy he is getting a new family, but it means we're out of options.
The SDA psychologist recommended we visit a little boy who has a problem with his arm, but she won't let us come back in to review his file. We either take the referral or we wait for a second appointment.
We can't even remember what the little guy looked like, let alone be able to tell you what his diagnosis' were!
So we've chosen a third option.
We're coming home.
To be honest this experience has not been pleasant, and it is taking all the strength I have not to become bitter.
But bitterness only corrupts and I won't let this experience to that to me.
Technically, we still have one more appointment available to us. But waiting here during the holiday season will do us no good. According to our facilitator, no new appointments will be given until after January 10th. And while we know going home will move us to the back of the line for a new appointment, we are quickly running out of vacation days and the longer we stay the more it costs.
And not just financially.
It's also tough on our three little ones.
We've only been away a little over two weeks, but so much has happened in that time.
They endured an ice and snow storm which knocked power out in our hometown for the better part of a week.
For three days they lived in a cold house with my parents, huddled in front of a fireplace, hoping the electricity would come back on. Mom and Dad finally decided to take the kids and head home. They are all now in Colorado warm, dry and having fun.
But the daily phone calls are full of 'when are you coming home Mom,' and 'How much longer, Dad?'
So we're heading home.
Our tickets are for Dec. 23...we're trying to come home sooner, but all the flights are booked.
Imagine that.
We had hoped this trip would lead us to Maddie, instead it was just a really expensive vacation.
And it's wasn't even close to relaxing.
More than likely this is it.
We have missed the opportunity to adopt completely.
I don't know...maybe we mis-translated God's neon sign.
Instead of Ukrainian maybe it was written in Russian, Spanish or Telugu.
Or maybe it was written in English and this adoption process has warped our brains too much to be able to tell.
We're coming home.

34 salty messages:

Lindy December 17, 2007 at 2:52 PM  

Oh, what a disappointment!! Will you be able to get a new appointment and go back later?

I just don't get it - with all the children out there needing families, why do they make the adoption process so difficult? Why wouldn't they let you you review a file, for goodness' sake? None of it makes any sense.

I feel so bad for you. But hold onto the thought that you will soon see your little ones at home!

Amy K-S crew December 17, 2007 at 2:55 PM  

I'm sorry to hear that this trip hasn't worked out as you expected, but it'll great that you'll be home with the kids for Christmas. I'm sure there are things going on behind the scenes that we can't see, but it's always hard not having the answers.

DoveFamily December 17, 2007 at 3:07 PM  

This is certainly not what I was hoping to read. I pray that God will comfort you as you make plans and head home. And I pray that He will clearly show you the path that He would have you travel now.

Kathy and Matt December 17, 2007 at 3:18 PM  

You have been on such a roller-coaster! I'm sorry to hear that you had made a decision that you felt good about regarding the little boy, only to find that adopting him was no longer an option. And I can't imagine saying yes to the other referral without at least seeing the file!

I don't blame you for coming home to your other children, especially since everything shuts down. Why sit in Ukraine?

Your ability to push bitterness aside is testimony to your faith. Many others would not be able to react in such a way. I pray daily to stay focused on God's plan, not my desires - but it's hard, especially in situations like this.

I am so sorry to hear how things have turned out at this point. I'll be praying that you can feel peace about with this decision as you enjoy the love and joy of being home with your little ones.

Lindy December 17, 2007 at 3:45 PM  

I just re-read your post and somehow the first time through I missed the sentences "More than likely this is it. We have missed the opportunity to adopt completely." Wow, that is just TOO sad. There's no chance at all you can go back? I simply can't believe that after all that time and expense that you should have to leave with empty arms, with no hope of future adoption. There is nothing that can be done? I just can't understand what's going on over there!

MamaPoRuski December 17, 2007 at 3:50 PM  

So sorry for your sense of loss and confusion. We are praying for you as well! If you would like some American Christian contacts for support in Kyiv while you wait, email us and we will send you their names and info. God Bless!

Christine December 17, 2007 at 4:08 PM  

Tami, you have had me on pins and needles these past few days. It is so good to hear you are coming home now....I'm sure your kids miss you terribly, but my heart just aches so deeply for you. The process is so hard and your trip turned out to be nothing like you planned I'm sure. I really am at a loss for words, but I want you to know that my prayers are with you. I wish you and Meshack a safe trip home. I'm sure being with your children will make all the difference in the world. Maybe the two of you will have a different perspective after you have had some time to think about things.

God Bless.

Waitingonmyua2 December 17, 2007 at 4:27 PM  

I'll pray your plane tickets can be changed to get you home sooner. If not, I'll pray you are able to minister to someone in Ukraine while you are waiting.

Come home. See your kids. Allow some time to heal from this hard time. Time to find whatever it is you're supposed to find. I can't do anything to fix things, but I'm here to listen - and I'll drive to your town to give you a hug when you get home.

I am so disappointed for you and so sorry you have had to go through this.

Carrie December 17, 2007 at 5:20 PM  

Oh Tami! I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sending all my good thoughts that things will work out and you will find your Maddie wherever she is. ((hugs))

Chris, Tammy and the gang! December 17, 2007 at 5:36 PM  

Hi Tami,
I have been following your blog for a little while now and was so praying for you guys to find your little Maddie. Don't give up yet...there are so many children who need families. Come home and be with your family but don't give up on your little Maddie - maybe she's in the Ukraine right now and maybe she is somewhere else. God will lead you to her eventually! He is faithful!

I will continue to pray for your family!

Tammy MacKinnon
PEI, Canada

Sarah Halter December 17, 2007 at 6:24 PM  

I've been following your story for a while and just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you - that God would comfort you and fill you with peace. I want to encourage you to take time to rest in Him, and to keep listening to His voice Please don't let the lies of the enemy discourage you. I really sense that you have been in the middle of God's plan for you and that even though it turned out nothing like you hoped or expected, you have been faithful. In the fullness of time, God will accomplish his purposes in this. Do not doubt what he has shown you.

A friend of mine recently shared that she has been learning to ask "what" and not "why" - "God, what do you have for me to learn?" instead of "Why is this happening?" It was very significant to me and I hope it can be an encouragement to you too.

"Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power ... put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Ephesians 6:10,13

Just keep standing firm.

And know that lots of people love you and are praying for you.

(I can't tell if it went through or not. If this is a duplicate post, just ignore it!)

Gail,  December 17, 2007 at 7:05 PM  

Tami and Meshack,
I am sorry to hear about the disappointment in the trip. I am glad that you are not letting it change who you are. I am sure your children will be very happy to have you home. Have a Merry Christmas!!

Tonya December 17, 2007 at 7:29 PM  

Oh I am so sorry, honey! What a heartbreak. Praying for you. (((HUG)))

Rachael December 17, 2007 at 7:59 PM  

I'm so shocked and sad for you. I hope the adoption story is not over for you.

Karissa Cunningham,  December 17, 2007 at 8:07 PM  

I have been trying to think of a comment since I read your post this morning; I still am not quite sure what to say!
I am so sad for you. That must have been a very difficult and very brave decision to make! Know that you are not alone, we may not all know what you are going through but you have a whole heap of support at your fingertips!
If Maddie is meant to be in your family she WILL be…. Keep your chin up.

Nataliya December 17, 2007 at 8:18 PM  

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you coming home! I'm sure there was a reason why you needed to go home and be with your kids during the holidays. And there was a reason this little guy with epilepsy is being adopted. And there was a reason they didn't let you to review the file of the other boy again. I know you are hurting, but think about the joy and fun you'll have with you kids during the holidays!

Please don't think that you missed the opportunity to adopt. I read many times lately that the second appointment works in totally different way. You'll actually get a referral before you go! At least what the peoples' blogs said.

Hang on there, your Maddie is waiting for you!

Julie December 17, 2007 at 8:40 PM  

Oh, Tami, I am so sorry. It just makes no sense at all, does it? I blogged about you today. Your family is heavy on my heart and in my prayers.
Many blessings,

Anonymous,  December 17, 2007 at 9:20 PM  

You are in my prayers. I can't imagine how you both must feel. I know that you understand that God is in control, but sometimes it is difficult to see his plan. We know it's there, however.

MoscowMom December 17, 2007 at 10:00 PM  

Oh, Tami... I'm so sorry for what you and Meshack have been through during all of this... And your three kids at home...

I'm so, so angry (not doing as well as you are, it seems!) about the bureaucracy you and other adopting parents face. There are SO MANY kids needing a family... I can't comprehend it!!!!!! I face the post-soviet red-tape on a regular basis, but it has never cost us that much--both financially and emotionally.

I pray you can get home quickly. This is a hard time to change tickets; most ex-pats are heading home for Christmas...

April December 17, 2007 at 10:46 PM  

Oh, I am so sorry! I hope that you still have a chance to adopt after all of this. I agree with Melinda - why do they make it so hard to adopt in Ukraine when there are so many orphans?! Maybe your second appointment will be in February and we can commiserate about the unjustices of Ukrainian adoptions together. :} Keep the faith and trust in a loving God who knows what's best for us. He has a purpose and a wonderful plan for you and your family!

Mike & Tara December 18, 2007 at 1:57 AM  

Tami. We are so sad for your family. You have been through so much. But you have so much ahead of you. I've read so many blogs who have mentioned set backs only to then realize those 'setbacks' then allowed them to meet their daughter/son. God works in mysterous ways. This is another stone on the path to finding Maddie. We are sending you a huge virtual hug.

ColleenD December 18, 2007 at 7:23 AM  


I feel an ache in my heart for you and for Maddie. I understand what you mean when you speak of misreading God's will for you. Why did he ask you to go to through this struggle and then now ask you to come home? It doesn't make sense, at least not to a heart set on finding her daughter.
I will be praying for peace for you both. And i will also pray for the grace to hear clearly God's will. I am hoping that this is not the end, and that the path becomes crystal clear once these clouds have moved on.

Leslie December 18, 2007 at 8:07 AM  

I'm so sorry to hear that you are leaving Ukraine right now, but given your circumstances, I think I would do the same. It's hard leaving kids back home that want mom and dad! I will be praying for God's peace in your minds and hearts as you travel back, and for His wisdom as you decide what to do later on.

Living Life with Sophia,  December 18, 2007 at 8:50 AM  

I am so sorry to hear this. I hope that God will give you strength.
My heart goes out to you and your family.


E. December 18, 2007 at 9:18 AM  

Ugh! I am so sorry it has all turned out this way. I can't imagine the frustration. Whatever the outcome, your intenetions have been wonderful and for that you will be blessed.

Is Eight Enough? December 18, 2007 at 11:43 AM  

My heart aches for you! I just cried to read how this has all turned out. Every day I wait with baited breath to see if today is the day. God KNOWS your hearts and He will see you through!!! He knows the plans He has for you; for hope and a future! Hang on, friend!! I will continue to pray that God will give you peace and will guide you to the next step. I am BELIEVING that this is not the end!!

Debbie December 18, 2007 at 12:06 PM  

Dear Tami and Meshack, I have not known what to say since I read your post yesterday, but I have been praying for you! I, too, hope you will not give up, that God has a purpose for this delay, that He will lead you to Maddie or Mattie very soon. Enjoy your time with your kids at Christmas; that must be so joyful, having kids at Christmas! I'll continue praying. Big virtual hugs coming your way from Colorado!

Troy and Rachel December 18, 2007 at 12:10 PM  

I am so sorry to hear your news. I'll be praying for you and your family for guidance during this time.

Tina in CT December 18, 2007 at 12:55 PM  

I just can't imagine the roadblocks you've encountered when you want to open your hearts and arms to include a child with no family into your loving family back here in the States. You would think those agencies would want to place the children and give them the opportunities they won't have in an orphanage. It just doesn't make sense. The process that my neighbor went through when she adopted from China was so much more structured in that she knew her daughter before going over and went over to pick up that particular child.

I feel so badly what you and your husband have gone through.

I hope you get an earlier flight home as it must be very hard to still be over in the Ukraine with all that you've gone through and knowing what your family at home as had to put up with dealing with the storms, no power and most of all, missing the two of you.

I don't know where you adopted your other three children from but it must have been much smoother than this ordeal has been. Is it possible to go back there?

jessy December 18, 2007 at 5:58 PM  

I am so sorry. I have put off commenting all day, because I don't know what to say. I am so very sorry.

Christina December 19, 2007 at 1:10 AM  

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how frustrated you must be. It will be good to be home with your kids. And I will keep praying that God will lead you to Maddie - in the Ukraine or wherever he/she is. I have faith your child is still out there.

adoptedthree December 19, 2007 at 10:54 AM  

I pray you find peace and closure in whatever decision you and your family make.

Chris and Virginia December 19, 2007 at 1:10 PM  

We are so sorry to hear that this part of your journey hasn't gone as hoped. But this is only part of your journey and it sounds like it isn't your last part either.

Go spend some time with family and friends and regroup from this rollercoaster ride. Then when you are refreshed, take another look at where you're at, where you've been and where you want to be.

God Bless You.

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