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mommy guilt

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I've got a really bad case of 'Mommy Guilt.'
We sent our kids off yesterday into a lion's den and I'm not sure if we've made the right decision.
It was the first day of school for my precious Alek, Anya and Nick....and it didn't go well.
Of course it's a brand new school so we expected it to be a tough transition.
AND it's five times bigger than what they're used to...so there's even more more to deal with.
But the responses I got yesterday from them on the way home had me on the verge of tears.
No one made new friends.
No one wanted to play with them.
They got lost in the halls.
And while the teachers were nice, they want to go back to Kansas.
Sigh.
Honestly, I'm not too worried about Nick and Anya. They're younger and outgoing. They don't have much trouble making new friends. And at their age it's a lot easier.
It's my 10-year-old Alek I'm worried about.
Seriously worried.
Alek is a sweet boy.
But he's quiet.
And incredibly shy.
He would rather not participate in something than to have to meet someone new.
It's painful to watch.
Add to that the fact that while he is attached to Shad and I, it's a very insecure attachment, you can understand my precarious frame of mind this morning.
Alek asked me no less than 10 times today as we were getting ready if I was going to pick him up by the slide today. And he had to remind me another five times that they got out of school at 2:45.
The thought of the anxiety he must be going through this morning is killing me.
I would love nothing more than to pack him and the other three kids up and run back to Kansas...but we can't.
This is where we are supposed to be.
We know it.
And the school district is our only real option.
We can't do home schooling right now. I not only need to work to keep this household from bankruptcy (remember four international adoptions), I don't have the patience to teach four kids their basics.
We've thought about private school, but we're back to that whole money issue. I seriously doubt we would qualify for any scholarships...and besides...I can't get the school to answer the phone, let alone call me back.
And then there are the IEPs. All four kids have IEPs. Private schools don't have the resources to give the kids what they need.
No.
What I need is a small school district.
But there isn't one.
Funny, isn't it?
I move to the most unpopulated state in the nation and I can't find a small school district?
This whole county is one large school district....with large schools.
If we were an hour closer to our hometown, I would drive the kids to our Alma matter everyday.
I graduated in a class of 3...Shad had 10 in it.
A really small school.
That's what my kids need.
One-on-one attention.
But it's not going to happen.
So I'm turning to what should have been my first option!
I am praying every moment of my day for my kids.
Pleading with Him to help the kids adjust and make new, quality friends.
It's amazing how God brings me back to this same place in my life over and over again.

Remember the trials we went through in finding Maddie?
I haven't felt the need to pray like this since we were in the middle of that nightmare almost 9 months ago.
Once again, I'm praying like I've never prayed before.
Seeking His wisdom, power and comfort.
Maybe that's what HE wants from me.
Maybe HE wants me on my knees.
Well, HE's got me there.
24-7.

13 salty messages:

Rachael August 26, 2008 at 1:05 PM  

Oh, I can understand your mother's pain. It's so hard to see them struggle! Don't you just wish you could go up there and make friends for them? No? Well, maybe praying is the better option. I hope/pray it gets better soon for them! Hang in there, all of you!

Shelley August 26, 2008 at 1:21 PM  

I know how tough transitions can be. We're currently there with our crew too. I'll say a prayer that a good friend emerges for each of your children. New schools are the worst thing about moving!

The Cunninghams August 26, 2008 at 2:23 PM  

Hi there,
I truly feel your pain. Our town is tiny and I wanted the kids in a small school too. We found a great Charter school. I do homeschool some days but I know some charters have teachers and are FREE! You might just do a quick internet search for charters in your area and call. Best of luck! Changing schools is always very hard. Is Alek into Soccer or a fall sport (?)Maybe that would be a good transition. Best of luck, Karissa

CarolJean,  August 26, 2008 at 4:32 PM  

I will pray for Alec as he begins the new school. One of my children had to change schools...actually from a large to a small school. Sometimes the small schools can be just as hard to adjust to when everyone knows everyone. I can relate to your pain. I spent much time in prayer for my kids. I still am and they are grown with children of their own. Now I pray for grandchildren too. God will see you through and provide for your children. We miss you at church. Carol (from you Sunday School class)

Anonymous,  August 26, 2008 at 4:36 PM  

We miss you at church in Kansas. One day soon, Alec will come home and be very excited about new friends. It is very hard for mom and dad.....I know from experience as I spend many, many times in prayer for my kids. Still do and they are 28 and 35 years. Now I prayer for the grandkids. But, I will specifically pray for Alec that he will relax and feel secure in his new school.
Carol-- from your old Sunday School class in Kansas.

Suzanne August 26, 2008 at 5:34 PM  

we ended up dealing with schools and precarious attachment by home-schooling. It's such a tough decision.

Tina in CT August 26, 2008 at 8:12 PM  

Since you have always been active in your church community, I have a suggestion. Call the local church that is your denomination and ask for the names/numbers of several families with children the ages of yours. Give them a call and see if you can buddy your kids up with those kids. They can be a friend at school, someone to have lunch with or hang with on the playground. Another suggestion: It's the start of the school year so all team sports are starting. have the kids sign up and they will have a small group of kids that will be their teammates. They'll see these kids in school.

Eventually they will meet new friends. It was just day one.

I can imagine how your heart is breaking thinking of their day at school. As a mother, you want to make it right for them. That's natural.

Can you call their teachers or the school guidance counselor?

Is Maddie in preschool?

Drew Michelle and Luke Paras August 26, 2008 at 9:00 PM  

Oh mommy! I feel your pain in a big way. Our son has been moved 3 times in 4 years. After his head injury he has been so anxious and asks me every day of every school year if I am going to be on time and at the same place. Part of what has helped him was getting him a cell phone.
Rationally he knew the whole school wouldn't go home without him if I some how couldn't pick him up and there were plenty of other families who would gladly take him with them but it wasn't enough. Adding a free cell phone to our plan for emergency use only has been really a good thing for him.

Get him back into baseball. Team sports will help him make more friends in a controlled setting.

Let the teacher know and the guidance counselor. Some schools have new-comer things so all the new kids can meet other new kids. Have the teacher pair him up with 2 other boys for the playground and lunch.

As hard as it is for us to let our babies be scared it is part of life and will make him the strong man he will need to be some day.

Are you all unpacked?

Melissa E. August 26, 2008 at 9:22 PM  

That's the thing to do. Keep praying. Kids just have a way of making friends, even the shy ones.

Annette August 27, 2008 at 10:43 AM  

Oh the poor little guys! I'm sure it will get easier, but it's tough to get a child to understand that when all they see is the present time. I love your blog and have been reading it for awhile. I hope you don't mind that I added your pages as a link. My prayers are for your little ones!
Annette

Anonymous,  August 27, 2008 at 12:03 PM  

I feel your pain! My son is shy too, but acts like a clown whenever he gets around a group of kids he doesn't know. Sometimes embarrassing!
Hang in there!
We miss you back home!
Heather

Elaine August 27, 2008 at 1:56 PM  

Awww. I'm so sorry to hear the first day was so rough. I hope it gets better for them. It is so difficutl to watch our children struggle. You and the kids are in my prayers.

Christine August 27, 2008 at 2:04 PM  

Blogging about the same thing. :)

I so hope I am not going through this still when Jonny is 10. ((hugs))

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