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the war within

Thursday, January 29, 2009

One year ago...
Warning: Rant Ahead - Please feel free to skip today's post. It's all part of that honesty bit I gave you yesterday. Unfortunately I honestly feel pretty cruddy right now and I'm having a hard time processing all the junk I went through today. The following post is real. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent (except for Maddie) and I'm starting to understand why Russians and Ukranians love their vodka so much. (Don't worry, Mom...I'm still a skim milk totaler! ;)
Thank you everyone for your comments yesterday. They did my heart good.
I wish I had a more cheerful post to give you today, but I don't.
The news is not good.
They have lost Maddie's passport.
Well...okay, they didn't technically LOSE it. They just sent it to different town.
The point is, it's been sitting there for two days and was only discovered because we started asking about it.
Did you hear that screaming this morning?
That was me.
Evidentally, Maddie's passport is sitting in a passport office somewhere in the middle of who knows where. It now has to make its way BACK to Kiev...where some bureaucrat will put a stamp in it saying it has been to the middle of nowhere and is now back in Kiev. Then the bureaucrat will hand the passport off to a courier who will hopefully bring it to the right city this time.
The earliest I'll see it is Thursday.
I'm not counting on it.
If the passport does not come on Thursday, I will miss my opportunity to get to the U.S. Embassy before the weekend, thereby forcing me to stay here through the weekend. I know I've mentioned how I feel about weekends right now.
To add insult to injury..there is, of course, no way to get back the 'expediting fee' we paid to the person at the passport office. Since the fee isn't 'official' there is no way to collect my 'expediting fee' even though my passport certainly wasn't expedited.
Unfortunately, I'm not alone.
It looks as if the Haug's are in the same boat.Their daughter's passport was also sent from Kiev on Saturday...it also has not yet arrived.
Hmmmm...I wonder if it's out in the middle of nowhere too?
Somebody is out searching for it. I think they'll need a search team...with cadaver dogs. It may be the only hope.
The Haug's are real troopers. They've been here longer than I have. They had the same SDA appointment date on Dec. 5th (we actually passed in the hall), but they didn't take the two week break, so they're going on 60 days.
I'm only on day 43.
On a more insightful, serious note. Remember back in December when I talked about the easiest trap to get caught in, in international adoption was to get caught up in your circumstances?
That's where I am right now.
All I can see is what I CAN'T have. And as you can most certainly 'hear' in my 'voice' today, my attitude continues to get worse and worse.
And that's not a good place to be.
Again, I'm at a place where it's taking all I have in me not to become bitter.
But this time I don't feel like I'm winning the battle.
Several people commented on the name change issues I mentioned in yesterday's post. Don't worry, I didn't take any offense. I just wanted to make sure we are all on the same page.
Actually, my gripe wasn't in what they were calling her (I am still calling her both, using the hyphenated name technique.) I think my issue was more with the fact that they weren't asking me what her new name was, or interested at all in how she was doing. There was no recognition on THEIR part of the changes Maddie had just gone through...and very little respect in the fact that I was now her mother. They kept calling me mama but didn't defer to me in any way in regards to her behavior.
It's a culture thing I know...and I'm just overly sensative right now.
When I look back on it, I realize a lot of what she was exhibiting was just a preference for the familiar. They are the only family she has EVER known. Of course she's going to want to stay with them, prefer them. To her right now I'm just a nice lady who gives her apple juice and plays with her.
It will take time.
After three (now four) international adoptions I know it in my head...it just hurt a lot in my mother's heart. Everything hurts right now.
The good news is Maddie is starting to respond when I use just her 'new' name and is starting to understand more and more of what I say. We had a pretty good day today (passport stuff aside.) If I can keep her away from anyone speaking Russian, I should be in good shape. ;)

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